Holiday Remembrance Gathering

WHAT THE CATERPILLAR
CALLS THE END OF LIFE
THE MASTER CALLS THE
BUTTERFLY.

This year Todd and I decided to go to the Holiday Remembrance Party at the Peace House in Portland. This is part of Brief Encounters. We get an ornament every year for Zoey.. Each year is a different kind.. I loved this years ornament.. Maybe some day they will have the dragonfly.. In the past it has been the star with baby hands.. star with baby feet.. a star with a heart.. and I think a heart with a star. I love the fact that they change them each year and have a different meaning to each one. It has been two years since I have gone to the holiday party.. I had forgotten how emotional it can be. I was not prepared to cry for 2 hours straight. But that is ok.. In Between all the poem reading and singing, they say each baby's name and ring a bell and light a candle.. It was great to hear Zoey's name out loud.. Then after they say the babies names the sing a short song..

Baby, I will remember you
think of you
pray for you
and when another day is thru
I will remember you.

So many poems touched my heart that night.. This is one that stood out to me..

I'M NOT SORRY THERE WAS YOU.

I'm not sorry there was you.

I'm not sorry for all those joyful days of anitcipation
and planning when we learned we had conceived you.

I'm not sorry for all those dreamy days of wonderful
preoccupation with thoughts of you.

I'm not sorry for all those warm special feelings of wonder and awe
as I felt you move within me.

I'm not sorry for the excitement I watched on your
fathers face as he felt those magical "first kicks"

I'm not sorry for the ways you opened my eyes
to all that I am blessed with.

I'm not sorry that your loss inspired in me, a richer,
deeper sense of the preciousness of life and a better
understanding of what is really important.

I'm not sorry for the way in which your birth and death
pulled my family even closer together than they were before.

I'm not sorry for my ever-present sense of joy
and thankfulness when I watch your sisters.

I'm not sorry that because of your death your
father and I never take a day with them for granted.

I'm not sorry that your death has helped to increase
my sensitivity and compassion for people and their sufferings.

I'm not sorry that because of you I've been
compelled to help foster a better understanding of
pregnancy loss and what is needed by parents
experiencing it.

I'm not sorry that during your brief life
you enriched mine more than words can every say.

No, I'm not sorry there was you.

(author unknown)


There is one part of the poem I so long to be able to do.. That is to be able to have complete joy when Eva and Kia do certain things for the first time.. There is still a part of me that see's what they have done and I am happy and excited for them but then a part of me is so sad, that I will never see Zoey do those things.. I am waiting for that part of my journey in grief to come. I know it will. Everyone on this journey gets to certain places at different times. I know there will always be a part of me that thinks that way.. This year they spelled her last name wrong on the back of the ornament.. now normally I would have cried about it.. (why did they have to get hers wrong!!) but this year when I saw that.. I just had to laugh.. which was good. It was good to be able to laugh about it and not get so upset.

Ok. so I will end this blog entry with my favorite poem.. Todd wrote this about a month after zoeys death.. It is in her baby book.


A MOMENT IN TIME

I feel myself returning
to my daughter's life in my mind
and I find myself searching
for a moment in time.

In the here and now
is not where I want to be
I long to see my child
and have her here with me.

In amongst the silence
she gently enters my mind
But, some memories are fading these days
and the past is hard to find.

I try to merge the future,
the present and the past
yet, no matter how hard I try
this moment cannot last.

Before my child's presence
I was unaware what my life could be
And I look upon my future
to find you looking back at me.

I keep a hope of tomorrow
that your mother and I will hold you in our arms
And there we will live and love for eternity
happy and safe from harm.

But, your mother and I will have to stay on earth
till the day when we can climb
Up to Heaven to be with our angel
and have our own moment in time.


We love and miss you Zoey..
Merry Christmas sweet baby.